Friday, September 12, 2014

· SEBASTIAN, Songs From Another Gender part VIII ·

Hullo, me hearties.

This is the eight entry of the presentation I make for Through Waves’ EP “SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER”.

On September 16, this EP will be officially release, although you have already met seven of the eight tracks featured in it. This is a mere formality, as I just started shipping the pre-order discs, and as I sit down to write the last journal-entry for "SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER", I reflect long, while the disc plays on the stereo, and tears form in my eyes.

As I said before, this EP is a very important detail of my current transition, since I am letting go of all my previous identities while these men tell their stories. I am no longer the person presented on previous Through Waves' works, and as much as this "change" happens often as I move from one album to another, this time the shift is of an entirely new perspective, and I peel the very last layers of a skin that can no longer contain my true self.

The last track of this collection, SEBASTIAN, is an old one. In fact, one of the very first songs I have ever written and published as Through Waves, back in 2008, when I presented it in a very rough state, which was all I could do back in the day. I have always been careful to speak about this particular piece, as its importance is enormous to me. It is probably the most important song I have ever made, the most personal and sad, the one that I will always mean, the one that will always make me cry no matter what. This is my boy, my child, the song of songs, the one who stood by my side when my tired eyes could not see hope beyond the veil of darkness that seems to shroud everything I know. I am unable to speak about SEBASTIAN as it is more than a song: to me, it is a person, that was born, had a life of his own and moved on, beyond my reach, so I could also grow; and his face is carved on the Moon, every time I look up and see the rabbit there. You see, I can't even write this properly without crying. It is only now, that the song is recorded and released the way it deserves, that I realize its never-fading relevance. SEBASTIAN and I will never part.

From one of my journals from back in the day, I have a special entry dedicaded to this song, and I would like to share it with you for the sake of rememberance and closure. "SONGS FROM ANOTHER GENDER" is out, and these men are no longer subjects of my will, sadness or desires: they live, and are now free to be part of your lives as well.

"I remember when you were much younger.

You used to play alone with your little furry stuffed white bunnies, not so white because you would always get them dirty. You used to wear that golden anchor about your neck, the one I gave you when you were born… So you could remember me. You’d always break the pendants people gave you, but that one you left intact. It was one of the many links between you and me, and no-one else would understand just how meaningful that tiny thing was. Just like yourself. You used to wear a sailor outfit I bought you before you were born. The other boys would tease you, but you were surprisingly similar to me on that matter: you bowed your head, smiled to yourself and remained inside your otherworld. Just as I always thought you would… A world far, much too far, a desert in the Moon filled with bunnies that talked to you and sang you to sleep.

You had a fiery personality, a blazing mood that often burned my salty patience. You would walk around mad as a crab in a can, and you’d run away to your aunt’s house (who really wasn’t your aunt… But a friend of mine). She would tell you the thing I asked her to say when that happened: “you were loved way before you were born”. And you would cry and come back home. And I would have baked an apple pie, if only I could remember just how much sugar I should put in it.

The day you were born no flower blossomed. It was springtime, and yet it seemed like the whole world held a breath to see you become a living thing. I used to think the flowers were beautiful, and so were the stars, but I never bothered looking at them again once your small, almond-shaped eyes opened and gazed into mine. It seemed as though you became the only light spot inside the otherwise dark realms of my sad, lonely world. My fields were silent groves of tall beech trees and an evergreen blanket crowning the blackness of the sky, and my ocean…-

My ocean. It was a deep, cold and salty refuge. But not anymore.

My new refuge became you.

I am often praised about the music I make and the amount of talent I possess to enchant and entertain, but little these things mean to me, because the only thing I’m truly proud of is the fact that I was able to pull you off. I was a dead lump of wood covered in moss, leafless and lifeless, and effectively seedless. But god knows how I produced one blessed seed, and it was allowed to grow outside me and become my little boy. My redhead… My velveteen rabbit. I am so happy that you existed, swiftly beneath these worldly skies. I am so happy you lived and laughed, and became a strong creature independent of me. I am so happy I could die, because I was never happy before you came. That happiness was the only thing I craved for, and now I can finally lay my salty bones to rest.

You were my chance of understanding human nature, my place in this world. You were my last attempt to become an existing person, and I have not failed. I do not know what other people search and what makes them tick and crave for the so called ‘meaning of life’, but in my case, I rest assure: I existed and endured all the dreadful years of my life just to see you walk around in your little sailor jumper and your admiral’s hat covering those fiery, dark red locks of hair. I always wanted a face full of freckles, but mine is as clean as a snowy field. My freckles are those of your face.

You’re my little boy in blue, and you’ll always be. You were that when I was that too, so in a way, we grew up together. Thank you for being the sandy banks of a shore I could always return. You were always there waiting me with your bunny on your lap, as I crossed the boundaries of the world in search of something I never found in anywhere but your side.

Settle, my baby boy, and sleep tight."