Tuesday, December 25, 2012

· In Which I Am Utterly Ashamed ·

My head aches.

Few months and weeks passed away since I finished Through Waves’ trilogy of albums “Sail, Schooner”, “Deconstruct the Debris” and “Santuário”. Therein lies my entire truth. My story. During these three years, I have dealt with eight years of a journey of self-discovery of the most common kind, and now that I structured all the pages of my life thus far, I go through these heinous recordings and feel ever so distance from that person in formation, seeking out what we all do: a place, a reason, solace and plenitude. While I cannot affirm I have truthfully found any of these things, I am quite changed. I grew up. I became more and more what I always wanted to be. I feel my life coming to an end, I feel my years shortening and I feel steadily less inclined to create, to search, to understand. I feel tired, too. Life has lost much of its glitter and gold in the process.

At this very moment, “Santuário” is closing its final notes and fading out on my ears, and my upcoming work builds up itself, dreadfully and heavy. It is like I am coming back to an old house and cleaning up all of its dusty rooms. I am revisiting all the other things I tried to avoid while recording my previous three albums, because I never felt strong or experienced enough to face them. I was so terribly afraid, you see. I flirted with some of them, but I could never bring myself to defy them, and go through the transfiguration. But now I have nothing left to lose within myself: I am a part of the world, I am connected to it to a degree I am not quite sure I understand fully; yet here I am. While I put my heart inside a schooner and set sail into “the world” (which ultimately turned out to be a travel into my own self), I kept looking for the little bits of my constitution that would fit into the enormous diversity of puzzles in our planet. And in my short-sighted arrogance, I never found any of these tiny holes to receive me. So I made what I once called “the deal of deconstruction” and tried it all from another perspective. It worked quite well, and then I merely created a sanctuary to house this brave effort. I am steering my schooner back, now. I am coming back to life.

I look to my body, sadly incomplete. I can visualize many scars: most of them caused by my own hand. They are ugly and disgusting, but they are healed. And while I listen to my own music, it is as if I am coating them with layers and layers of make-up and embellishment. Yet I can still see them, starrified, and decorated, but all the more visible. I shall bear them forever, and if my life keeps stretching itself, more will appear. I do not care anymore. That is what life is, I am afraid. I shaped myself for all these years with my own hands; now it is the duty of the world. The world must bend me, transform me, heal me or break me. I am here at last.

This upcoming album I am somehow ready to release is a visceral humiliation. By exposing myself to ridicule, scorn and disgust, I am trying to accept the seriousness of it all with a lighter heart. It is so sad, though. So awfully sad and forlorn, so hopeless and long. It is such a burden I am still carrying! Will I be free if I release this collection of songs? Will I be free if I step into the world? I do not have these answers. But I must try it. I’ve been working on this since “Deconstruct the Debris” was being recorded. I was quickly penning down passages upon passages upon passages, ashamed, utterly ashamed, trying to deal with them in the wee hours when “Deconstruct the Debris” wasn’t demanding my full and undivided attention. 2011 was the worst of all the years of my life, and I am glad I got through it. Now this degradation is ready to rot away from me. However, while this work is increasingly driving itself distant, it is taking with it so many things. The joy of life. Healing happiness. Light. Passion. And most importantly, Music. It is interesting that only now that I have experienced something good elsewhere in my life (which should not be mentioned here), all these other aspects must fade and wither. I am certain I do not need them anymore, but parting with something so important and known, the only thing allegedly capable of sustain my life is a hard and slow process. And I’m always one for lesser hopes. I’m always expecting the worse.

What must be done must be done, as the saying goes. Through Waves’ fourth album shall be released eventually in 2013. I will see it done. And it will reach your hands, you will love it, tend for it and perhaps identify. I couldn’t care less. You will applaud my embellished scars, and find beauty in the confines of my profound ugliness. And through this, I shall feel beautiful. For a fleeting moment, truly beautiful. THIS is, at last, my place here.

“Patient and tough, for some day this pain will be useful, will teach me what my blind eyes neglected to see.”

I hope I can forget it all. And I hope I can forgive myself.Fondly,