Yet another cycle came to an end, as this Summer finally warms my bed. These were the twelve most defying steps I have ever taken in my life.
We all carry our personal Devil. Sometimes we face this ghost, and luckily achieve a point where we understand it and are able to overcome it; yet this creature never leaves us, it instead wears another mask and presents itself as another aspect of our life that needs to be balanced. Thus, we are always confronting a “new something”, and hopefully learning and evolving.
But there are certain things that will always haunt us, doesn’t matter how many months or years of deconstruction and patience we face: that particular monkey on our backs will rise again, rearing its ugly head all the more terrifying; and so we become confused, depressed and completely drained out. We do not know what we are doing wrong, why can’t we shun this horrible problem, because just as we think we discovered a way to fight it, it turns upside down and becomes something else; and it keeps doing these acrobatics until we are lying on the cold floor, soaked in our own tears and piss and blood.
(Pardon me for that dramatic metaphor…)
This constant struggle will eventually deprive us of our own identities – or rather, the bundle of projections we strongly believe we are –, because we fail to see that the source of it is just another projection: something unreal, something we (or others) created to define our oneness… A sad and disgusting lie that castrates us from all our beauty.
Working on, and releasing “Deconstruct the Debris” was exactly that: an honourable fight to overcome my depression and confusion, an honourable search for my own identity. How frustrating it is to realize that all this enormous effort (that costed me rivers of tears and even blood) might get discredited by the realization that I was never lost, so I never needed to go out in the world “searching” my “place” in it. That is all part of the confusion: the more we search for who we are, the further we go from ourselves. Yet I know from the bottom of my heart that I would only have this “epiphany” by enduring all the dreary years of crafting this album, believing that it was going to cure me. Everything falls in its place, I guess…- I now know all these things I wouldn’t know otherwise.
I believe that is the true goal of “Deconstruct the Debris”, and I am impressed by approaching it from this other point of view. My Devil does not weave his witchcraft pressing me down with the old fears of loneliness, incomprehension and unfitness, anymore. I stand by my oceanic journey, my ceremony of exorcism: these were the necessary steps for me to be free from this sadness: by unveiling it, by wearing it as a robe, by fancying it the saddest sadness of all sadness; by augmenting it to gargantuan proportions. I am now ready to face the other stage of my journey, which might be just as stressful and hopeless; but impossible to reach, had I not deconstructed my debris.
And I know exactly what that step is going to be… I know it since childhood. I postponed this enough; I thank the Faun-Raine for giving me a ride to its gates.
I sincerely hope 2012 treats you well, and you never lose hope in your great journey of life, however dark the path may be. Slow breaths, and we will all get through it. Don’t fall for your own bitterness: as charming as the depression-state may be, it can only take us so far. Deconstruct yourself, you never know what sort of beauty lies beneath the many, many layers of projections, fat and hair.